Medical swabs are routinely used worldwide to sample human mucosa for microbiological screening with culture methods. These are usually time-consuming and have a narrow focus on screening for particular microorganism species. As an alternative, direct mass spectrometric profiling of the mucosal metabolome provides a broader window into the mucosal ecosystem. We present for the first time a minimal effort/minimal-disruption technique for augmenting the information obtained from clinical swab analysis with mucosal metabolome profiling using desorption electrospray ionization mass spectrometry (DESI-MS) analysis. Ionization of mucosal biomass occurs directly from a standard rayon swab mounted on a rotating device and analyzed by DESI MS using an optimized protocol considering swab–inlet geometry, tip–sample angles and distances, rotation speeds, and reproducibility. Multivariate modeling of mass spectral fingerprints obtained in this way readily discriminate between different mucosal surfaces and display the ability to characterize biochemical alterations induced by pregnancy and bacterial vaginosis (BV). The method was also applied directly to bacterial biomass to confirm the ability to detect intact bacterial species from a swab. These results highlight the potential of direct swab analysis by DESI-MS for a wide range of clinical applications including rapid mucosal diagnostics for microbiology, immune responses, and biochemistry.